6-15-2008 Sunday
Can I characterize my life in these dozen pages? Maybe I should not answer the simplest of questions. I am me, says I. Steady clay. The intentions... But instead I let you in, just like I'd always done... I will start saying no more often. How many tears do I need to cry before I dry. Mom, how do I keep believing in people and myself? I don't understand. Mother, where is that beauty? Does it hide, does it shrink and grow? Where do I draw that deep energy? How do I spur that hope? Does it grow? I know that it shrinks past recognition. I've seen it small enough to hide wisp thin. I could curl up without it, so close next to it. I could smile with it stuck to my teeth fronts, gone from my eyes. How many sentences containing bereft... What do you intend to do with frail me, waspish me, stringer rent in two, twain, rent. I am without it now. Lift it back slowly. Each word so simple. Simple. simple. I remember digging in sand to the water in the deep discovery. Deep cold dank, hiding, not well enough, pried into the sunlight. Uncovered, endless damp. Black dank foolery. This means nothing. Lift it back slowly.
Why have I always let them take me without a fight? They could take hold have me. Simple outside. Cold undercurrent, ice. Warm skin, take it, hold it have it. And now I've opened that skin suit of pale happy bland armor. I stopped fighting, let him in. I would have had breath only at his raged mercy, slept cold and away from them, me. Lift it back safely.
I was at his blank, empty, angry mercy. His mercy. This is what you wanted. Empty warmth turned cold. Flesh without blood thought pulse. Cold empty warmth. Struggleless empty non-strength. She can't understand, she truly believes the lie. I put myself in each place, each lead puzzle. You held my hand until I couldn't anymore. My hand was his, and gone. Gliding sinking. How do I trust. So. simply. freely. I give my trust, love, understanding, empathy, warmed care, warmed by thought, tears. Give it back to what day? No where to run and be. Lift it back slowly safely.
Patient, soft still. Slow. Guard now. Guard and don't give. Know first. Know how? Know now. Know first. Safe slow sate. Warmed by only me Cool warmth. Don't give it, give in. Protect. Now.
3 comments:
Helluva writer, post, and thought-provoker. I've shared these exact sentiments before. I think that's why I relate so much.
I am humbled, thank you. But wait, you don't like 50 cent?
I liked Fiddy when he worked the mixtape circuit and his first album GRODT. Afterwards, he's slowly lulled me to sleep.
I think he got away from the art.
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