Close enough to touch

10-23-07  

    I saw a man-boy on the train, with full, pouty lips and sad-song eyes. He was dressed in a tattered jean jacket and a hobo-like charm. A wayfarer, a wasp. His sandy hair piled in a mess on the crown of his head and blended into the color of his tannish skin, which blended with the rosier version of his lips. He reminded me of every sad story. He was pensive, a pool of thought. His shoes were scuffed. I don't know why, I will never see him again, but his sadness touched me a little. He wrote in a book like this, I glanced at the short list he poured over, saw him retrace the last x in the first word on the list, which was sex, thickening and blurring the lines with each stroke. I wonder what the list was for, or about. His pages looked chaotic and haphazard, careful and thoughtful. I wonder who he was at that moment, who he met when the doors shut behind him. He reminded me of everyone I miss. They all had such sad eyes, full of longing, their eyes mingled with his.

3-15-08

   I saw a man with sad expectation in his eyes and peppered gray hair to frame them. He stood too-breath-close to see me. I pulled my warmth away and kept it. My glance penetrated no one without the expectation of sad closeness. I felt myself layered in thick burgundy.

6-4-08

What is left of me? I have so many questions about how I will be, what the future brings... 

Will I attract more pain? I've seen so much of that shrouded moon-side. 

Will I trail unhappiness behind me, slimy slug's remains, where people and actions happened once? 

Can I find quiet, alone happiness? Happiness driven through deepening worth, through the streets to new lives and sunsets, to tall attractions... 

Who will I attract? The leaching same? 

     The controlling many mixed with good intentions crowd me. I feel I belong to those tall crowds, they steal me away in opportune moments. I blankly, joyously follow. I enhance and give, bend, mold, and puncture old-me thoughts. They emerge, steeped new, unimposing, needed by their creator. 

Strong me?

   Advise me. Lead this lost sheep to solace; The safe space craved since childhood, inanimate hugging me close and secure. Hidden in attics, buried in cloth, bent over books. In small confined spaces, put up walls, cover my frame and face 'til...unknown. Loose this recluse hiding from interaction, seeking attention and retarding simple love, simple like. Making everything pressured and confined until it bursts through the facade and...I am about to be alone, to search for everything again.

Am I the capable one here? Of what am I capable? I guess I'll know soon, so much room for growth here.

   Yet another life change. Swim toward air, bubble and feel the liquid motion enclose and silken around each space of you. Air breathes on the surface, this, the water, air dynamic. What goes down must come...I can't stay under forever, I will drown. I have drowned, that person died. Pax killed that person.

    I need to inspire an awe-inspiring future...future...future. The past is what I know and have gone through. The future holds what I will know; 

Where will I go?

    At one point, I gave the negative voice in my head a name. I think I named her Bianca, the one that attempts to smother me when I least expect it to happen. I walk and skip, happy. Then, doubt encircles me, threatens crushing. 

Where does she spring from, stem from, sneak from, explode?

    Slowly, she steadily kills my positive intentions. Love me, me. Love me, you.

Would that help? It is all I had known. 

    I would like to know more, take pride in my life, excited for the future...future...future. We shall see. I don't want the good, peaceful, beautiful times to dim while the bad gain prominence. I want the great to shine through and trump the sad and mediocre.

6-22-2008

Any dear kind thought, any open sore. 

Speak to me

as if I could listen,

understand.

Erase the small,

indiscernible truths.

I want raw, meaty chunks,

flesh to hold, touch,

devour.

Sit close to me, yet

far away.

I want to think near 

thoughts, feel

sweet distance, imagine

half maybe thoughts

of your thoughts.

I want to slightly graze

your energy, close to 

touch, feeling your softness.

No need of you, deep

flesh thought. 

Let you cover area

below my skin, sweep lightly

over my skin-

light touchings: Close

encounters, near

nervous flesh. You rush.

Take it back, past

your next glance

to silent energy, imagined

excited air space, between

us, thick with

slow expectation.

Not even at arms

length, I breathe and

will you closer...