Me in June.

    I feel used to it at this point. Not scary or anything, more like hassle. Want to escape and forget him. I, less simple than I was before, older, more shrewd, less trusting. I let him have that power to change me. I want my clear thoughts of pax gone. I want him out like a cancer, a tumor, a leach. He haunts my dreams and jades my thoughts of humanity. I used to think that people were good and kind...that they deserve help, happiness, satisfaction--that they dole it out in return. I listen to stories and want to know the teller sincerely. Now what? I trusted him. I let him see all of me. I shared and then gave my life's safety to him. What is left of me to give to people? Not my wide-eyed innocence, not my ability to always see good. He killed that when he took my life and breath. 

    He lurks out there, somewhere, stalking someone else--hunting people as prey, leaving shell homes behind. Using and taking, steals more than tangible. I let him. I gave him ability to hurt and take me. I wonder what he lost, if anything chipped at his stiff narcissism. No, that cannot touch nor be touched; he cradles it like a child. I always thought of him as a pedophile: I thought he should never have children...I thought of him as a pedophile: I thought he should never have children. Why could I not make that important connection? That slow tar bled into the rest of my life, covering each full and empty surface, holding and sucking at it; now it covers my mind, thoughts, and actions still. Leave me be, let me be, leave me, please. Leave me quick as you were upon me, quick as my exodus, swift and immediate. Mother, have you lived past your small time? Do I have your strength inside me; where do I find it? Maybe I will evaporate within this, snow to dew, wind to breeze. Lift it back safely. And he would call me his child, precious baby, baby Amber. No, no child of his, though naive enough. Cradle and hold me now; I need a softer caress, a fierce protection from that outside air, now sour and rank with apt memory past.